That Very First Day

As I looked in the mirror, I thought my white, flowing dress and jacket hid the extra 100 pounds or so I was always trying to pretend no one notices. I gathered my white purse with the pink roses and looked at the door and knew there was no backing out of the luncheon I so wanted to avoid. I had waited until it was too late to cancel. I had been taught by my mother, that if you couldn’t attend a function you must RSVP as soon as possible as to be courteous to your hostess. I had waited too long. I had to go. How on earth would I make it through? What excuse was going to be the right one to get me out of joining this group so many were pushing me into. I’m perfectly fine at home doing nothing. I like it there. That’s what depression tells you. Just stay right where you are. It may be dark, but you’re there and it’s what you know. The unknown has to be worse. It has to be…
Well, I did get into the car and drive myself to the League. I can’t even imagine driving here 3 or 4 times a week. That’s too much to ask. That would mean I would have to get up every morning and get dressed. Shoes and everything. There are days I don’t even know where my shoes are! The thought of getting dressed and putting makeup on and doing something coherent with my hair everyday, just seemed unthinkable. And, I would have to pretend everything was just fine and dandy with me, and that life was grand. I don’t know if I can do that convincingly for days at a time. I may implode!
I read my directions to the League and found it. Even though I had been to the theatre a few times before, this was the first time driving myself. It always surprises me when directions pan out. I was so hoping this time they wouldn’t. It would be my first excuse, I got lost. But, no, I found it…
I hate the parking here…. and it’s a creepy neighborhood…Hummm, but the League building is nice. Kind of like a jewel among rocks…whatever….
I made my way into the lobby and felt lost, as I really didn’t have a clue where I was suppose to go. Arlen said I’d find it when I got there. She’s always so optimistic. I hate that…. I wonder if she always knows where her shoes are….whatever…
I kind of recognized that little lady over there. I think her name is Dorretta something. She seems nice…I guess that’s where I’m suppose to be…I hope so…I don’t want to look as lost as I feel…so I’m goin’ in. Deep breath, smile, confident walk. I think that’s all I need…God, I want to go home. Come on brain, think…excuse…excuse… SOMETHING!!!! Nothin’…sigh…. come on, breathe, smile, confident walk, you can do it. You’ve perfected it. That’s it!
I think Doretta greeted me and told me something important. I think. I just wanted to sit down before my wobbly legs gave way and I was found out. I sat. Phew…that part is over…
Others joined us and they all seemed to fit right in. Be perky, Jannie, it’s what they expect. Perky…breathe and smile…breathe and smile. Why does everyone else know what to do? I though they were new, too. Whatever…the waiter asks me if I’d like a glass of wine. Gosh, no! It will make me cry for sure! Diet Coke, please. Gosh, does an elegant place like this have Diet Coke. Please let someone else order Diet Coke! Thank you, whatever your name is in the blue suit…
The meeting began and people spoke. I haven’t a clue what they said. I was trying to do that breathe, smile thing and it took all of my energy. I was handed a packed of stuff I’m sure I’ll need for something or other, but I’m sure didn’t want it. I didn’t know there was going to be stuff. I’ll just put it with the stuff I have at home. Where it’s safe…
I think the meeting is about over, because I was given coffee. I don’t really drink coffee, but everyone else does, so I guess I’d better. Coffee is always a good sign that it’s almost over and they want you to go home…
I don’t know when, but at one point this beautiful, elegant lady sat down beside me. She was like Grace Kelly, the later years. Kind of regal, yet approachable somehow. She looked right at me and said, ‘I’m so glad you’re joining us, you’re going to be fabulous!’. I couldn’t help but be fascinated by her gentleness of spirit. She sort of made me feel important. She must know I’m not. She must see that I’m scared out of my wits and just want my blankie and Dr. Phil! But somehow, she seemed to see beyond the darkness that covered every space I filled. She told me she liked my purse. She liked my purse! My homemade, $2 purse. She liked my purse. Wow….And I liked her. She is going to be safe, I think. And she’s so pretty. And she likes my purse….

That was the first time I met Ottilie. She was the beginning of the long journey out of the darkness. I didn’t fool her, by the way. She knew. And that gentle spirit she shared with all who knew her, guided me just a step at a time. Pretty soon, I didn’t have to remind myself to breath. Just to smile. Then after awhile, I would smile because I wanted to.
Thank you, Ottilie.
I will love you and miss you everyday of my life…